


You were my sunshine

by littlemissmusique



Series: Grey Skies (Hanahaki at Karasuno) [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Hanahaki Disease, Love Letters, M/M, Major Illness, Sickfic, Unrequited Love, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:21:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25822066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlemissmusique/pseuds/littlemissmusique
Summary: Kei had convinced himself for so long that he needed to be independent, not reliant on anybody.  How could this have happened?ORTsukki gets Hanahaki.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: Grey Skies (Hanahaki at Karasuno) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1685125
Comments: 4
Kudos: 60





	You were my sunshine

All the stories told him he should be feeling a tug in his navel.A constant, gentle reminder when he was feeling melancholy or affectionate.

That’s not what Kei felt.

His entire torso ached.His chest and his stomach roiled, fighting against him.It felt like the further he got from Yamaguchi, the more the entirety of his self split in two.He found himself thinking up excuses to spend more time around Yamaguchi.Did he have any questions about the homework?Could he suggest extra practice?

 _No,_ he told himself sternly.Those were entirely unnecessary and stupid things.He would see Yamaguchi simply as often as he saw him.His body would just have to find a way to deal with it.

Kei had convinced himself for so long that he needed to be independent, not reliant on anybody.How could this have happened?

He felt jealous of anybody who was spending time with Yamaguchi right now.He wanted to be the person Yamaguchi laughed with, turned to with a story, looked for first.How hypocritical of himself, to fall in love.

 _Love is beautiful_ , the poems told him. _Love is a gift._

 _Love is true_ , Suga had said.

 _Love is precious_ , Daichi said.

 _Love is like a whoosh but in your heart_ , Hinata said, ignoring Kei’s futile attempts to leave the conversation.

Kageyama said… well, he didn’t really say anything, but he looked at Hinata with a dumb sappy look in his eyes that had always made Kei roll his eyes.How ironic, that the thing he had mocked for years would be the very thing to strike him down.

His whole body _hurt_ , and for no reason.What was the point of feeling this way?He wanted it to stop.It was useless, pointless pain. _Heartache_.It had always seemed so stupid and over-exaggerated, but suddenly made so much more sense.Who had given Yamaguchi permission to take control of him like this?And Yamaguchi didn’t even know it.He had no idea of the power he carelessly wielded every day.

* * * * *

Kei had a first cousin who loved flowers.She found them romantic, and had memorised most all of their meanings.When they were younger her parents had gone away for a few weeks to look after her grandparents, so she had stayed with Kei’s family.Kei had unfortunately picked up a lot more than he’d ever meant to about flower meanings, and eventually had found himself oddly intrigued.

Flowers were lovely, sure.Before Hanahaki had first appeared, women loved to receive them as gifts and apparently they were a grand declaration of love, or something like that.But what Kei didn’t understand was how people had continued to love them.Was their collective meaning now not just ‘unrequited love’?Why would you want a flower as a gift from someone?Were they telling you they’d fallen for someone else and were now ill for that other person?It made no logical sense.

Because of this curiosity, Kei had done more research into flowers than he would ever admit upon pain of death.Because of this, when the first flower had appeared in his hand after a minor cough, he knew exactly what it was and what it meant.

_Peonies - bashfulness._

Well now, who could that mean?

* * * * *

_It hurts in the best way_.Such a cliche - just a cliche, he had always thought dismissively.But cliches were cliches for a reason, weren’t they?Because they were right.Because they made sense.Because there was no better way in the world to describe how his body felt like it was crumpling in on itself like crushing a ball of aluminium foil. _It hurts in the best way_.He had tried to research how to stop loving someone.Read articles on _Get rid of a crush in 4 steps!Get over your ex in two weeks!How to lose those pesky feelings._

Perhaps they didn’t work, Kei thought, because it wasn’t just a crush.Or perhaps they just didn’t work because he was broken.

He’d been hurt before.It sounded dumb to even say it, but Kei had learnt early on not to let his feelings shine through on his face.He had learnt not to wear his heart on his sleeve.(Unlike Hinata, who chased after Kageyama like a overeager, naive… _happy_ puppy.)

Which was why Kei stopped smiling.He had begun constructing a mask, and had perfected it.He stopped reacting to schoolyard taunts.He didn’t try to fight back - he simply stopped, and eventually the other kids had left him alone in favour of more entertaining targets.So he was alone, and he was… maybe not content, but _okay_ , with that.

Until he had seen a boy with greyish-green hair being pushed over and some old instinct he’d thought he’d stamped out had compelled him to step in.

“Pathetic,” he had said, because it was.The whole situation was pathetic.But then the boy - Yamaguchi - had started to follow him.Had started to give Kei little pieces of himself without asking for anything in return.

Sometimes Kei wanted to grip the boy by the shoulders and shake him.Didn’t he know that he would only get hurt?Who was he to go around offering smiles and stories and companionship when he had literally no defence against the bullies and cruelty of the world?

(Kei would be his defence.)

* * * * *

Kei remembered when he was younger, and Akiteru had had a crush on a girl in the year above.Akiteru had talked about her non-stop until even Kei tired of listening to his older brother.Kei hadn’t understood how one person could be so interesting.

“It’s not just that,” Akiteru had told him.“Just having a crush is- fun.It’s exciting.Sometimes it kills you a bit inside, even just looking at them, but…” and he had been lost again in thought, mind faraway on a girl he now hadn’t spoken to in years.

This definitely seemed like Akiteru’s long-ago expressions, but according to the plant growing inside him it wasn’t going to go away so easily.

* * * * *

The first time Yamaguchi directly affected the flowers was when they were walking together after practice one day.Yamaguchi was chattering away cheerfully, Kei much more subdued at his side, giving slight nods here and there to indicate he was listening.

Which he was- mostly.He couldn’t help his mind wandering to how nice this was.Such a simple thing, and he would never admit it aloud, but he liked these moments when it was just the two of them, the way it had been for years before Karasuno had whirlwinded into their lives.

“… and then Yachi brought over the water bottles and she was so cute and then- “

Kei’s ears pricked up and his mind skidded to a halt.“Cute, huh?”

Yamaguchi’s blush was instantaneous.“I didn’t- I just…” he trailed off.Clearly it had been a passing comment, but now Kei had forced Yamaguchi to consider what he’d said. _Idiot_ , Kei berated himself.Too late now, though.In for a penny, and all that.

“Do you like Yachi?” Kei teased, carefully moderating his voice and keeping his eyes aloft, fixed on the horizon.

Yamaguchi stuttered a little more before shoving Kei with his shoulder.“Sh-shut up!It’s not nice to tease.”

Kei could tell he wasn’t really upset, so didn’t bother apologising.He opened his mouth to guide the topic back to safer waters when a sudden surge of petals choked off his words.He lifted a hand, hearing beating faster with a sudden rush of panic and adrenaline.“I have to go,” he blurted, voice muffled, his hand the only thing holding the petals at bay.Yamaguchi started to protest, but Kei didn’t wait.His eyes were already starting to water and he needed to _breathe_ , dammit.

He knew he wouldn’t reach home in time, but he didn’t want to run down some alleyway like an overdramatic child.So, keeping his pace even in case anyone was within eyesight, he walked down a quieter road where he knew new houses were currently being built.They were almost finished, so gardeners had been planting flowers bushes to make them more appealing to potential buyers

Kei vomited all over those lovely new garden beds.Once he’d finished, he wiped his mouth with his sleeve and blinked down at the mess for a moment.So much for subtly.He’d heard stories of the flowers being ‘deadly beautiful’, ‘pretty poison’, among other names, but they didn’t look particularly pretty to him.They just looked like a chaotic mess of plant matter covered in spit and specks of blood.

 _Ew_ , he thought dispassionately.

At home that night, he scrubbed his mouth clean and determinedly decided not to let this affect his friendship with Yamaguchi.If anything, he’d pull away.Yamaguchi probably wouldn’t notice so much now, with his newfound preoccupation with Yachi.

(Yes, that was petty and jealous to think.No, Kei didn’t particularly care that it was.)

* * * * *

Kei lasted five weeks with Hanahaki.A perfectly average time.Not overly long, not overly short.Nothing about his case was noteworthy at all.A small mention in the paper, a speech at school, a private funeral, and Tsukishima Kei was simply gone.His mother cried, his brother swore through tears, his team wore black arm bands in his honour.They grieved, and they moved on.

What they didn’t know was that Tsukishima Kei had left one more thing behind: a note, mailed a few days before he’d passed away in his sleep, his body quietly giving out.The mail had been backed up, but the day after the funeral a letter was left on Yamaguchi Tadashi’s doorstep.

_Dear Tadashi,_

_I’m breaking the rules by calling you that - but I suppose there’s no reason not to now.I couldn’t tell you in person, but you had the right to know.I should have told you in person.I’m sorry.A letter feels inappropriate, like this is something shameful.In a way, it is._

_I have Hanahaki.You probably know by now, but I wanted you to know that by my hand.I didn’t tell you because it would have made it even more difficult.Tadashi, you are the person I have feelings for.I’m telling you now, not for your pity, but because you need to know.I know nothing could ever happen between us, but this way you know that no matter what, no matter how far you may fall, there is one person who thought you were everything._

_I love you._

_~ Kei_

* * * * *

Tadashi’s mother stood outside her son’s bedroom doorway, unbeknownst to the boy inside.She heard the light, tapping sounds of a computer keyboard.A hand pressed delicately against her mouth as she quietly cried.For days, her son had not spoken a single word.She wasn’t sure what he was doing, but that morning he had come downstairs and announced that he was going to help others in the same situation.He didn’t know if it was doing anything, but he had to try.To bring comfort or give advice, she wasn’t sure.But there was a quiet strength in his voice that she hadn’t heard before. _He’s going to be okay_ , she thought.Maybe not today, maybe not for a long time, but… her boy would live.

* * * * *

_This is the story, not of me, but of my best friend._

Tadashi took a deep breath and slowly began to type, backspacing and deleting every second word, but slowly and surely making progress.

_I’m sorry, Tsukki._

END

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry 。゜゜(´Ｏ`) ゜゜。 but this needed to happen <3 <3 
> 
> I love y'all so much and I hope you'll have a love-hate relationship with this fic. And of course, thank you for reading.
> 
> (There were a few references to the previous two fics... what did you think?)


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